View Full Version : Tool Definitions

04-11-2008, 06:09 PM
DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom
piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts, and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to Say, 'YEOWW.. '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for breaking off small diameter bits in the hole, or
spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to ½ round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One out of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more You attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on Fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you wanted
to remove.

TABLE SAW:A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall and window glass integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use of either piece.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare
neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large persuader pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away, and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at General Motors, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed To remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl Items, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for easily slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.

Damn it TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage to be lost
underneath an item, while yelling 'Damn it' or other preferred expletive at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need to use.

04-11-2008, 08:07 PM
That was funny :kekeke:

04-11-2008, 09:32 PM
Hammer: also known as a Ford research tool.

04-11-2008, 11:02 PM

04-11-2008, 11:18 PM
Great ;)

04-13-2008, 03:52 AM
ROFLMAO!!!!! :bowrofl: :kekeke:

You forgot two...

Half-inch drive long handle ratchet. I would define this as a tool carefully calibated to break or strip out at precisely 99% of your maximum isometric strength. This is so you develop MAXIMUM FORCE when hitting your knuckles, elbow, head, or other body part on a fixed metal obstruction.
The really well-engineered ones come from China and shatter as they break. As you slam your elbow into the side of the transmission, a jagged shard of shattered steel rips through your left eye!

Trouble-light. AKA drop-light, work light, etc... This instrument is equipped with numerous features such as a cord 2 inches too short to reach any available electrical outlet. Also is a useless hook on the end that is able, through magic, no matter how carefully hooked, to always rotate the light so that it illuminates no part of the car or machine being services, AND shines directly into the mechanic's eyes! Really good ones have a two million watt incandescent bulb that bakes and scalds exposed skin from 6 inches away or closer nd melts any plastic parts in the way.

Anyone else have any we missed?

04-13-2008, 04:00 PM
PIPE aka tourqe muliper version 2. used to stip / round any nuts and bolts not striped or rounded by the long handle half inch ratch. know to make user fall or sumble back words on to other tools (creating more DANM TOOLS) when not breaks or rounds

5 pound sluge hammer used to pound on things like implace sockets (which get big dents on them) to drive out u joints. and never seems to fit in to a place were it is most needed like taping out bolts that that had trust welded them selfs to some object onder the car. also used to hurt users fingers and the like